At 38 and a half weeks I’m firmly into late pregnancy and to be perfectly honest, it sucks. With the possibility of another 3.5 weeks to go (please don’t be overdue, Baby A!) and no signs of an imminent labour, I thought I’d write a little post on all the things I’ve learnt during these last few weeks. Warning: it’s a bit of a pity party…
- Stretch mark products are a great big sham. If you’re gonna get stretch marks, you’re gonna get ’em and no amount of expensive Weleda oil will change that. Buy yourself a new lipstick instead.
- Rather than a soft and cosy place of rest, your bed will become the scene of a nightly torture that includes toilet trips every hour, burning acid reflux and achy joints. But don’t forget to ‘enjoy your sleep while you can!’ *eye roll*
- You’ll need to add at least 20 minutes extra time to anything you do, because you’re slow and cumbersome and even just putting on socks is a monumental effort.
- Belly buttons come in more than two forms – as well as the classic innie and outie, there’s also a special pregnancy version that’s entirely flat and totally gross.
- The smallest inconveniences seem like targeted and deliberate personal attacks. Like the batteries in the TV remote running out during your Gilmore Girls marathon or the corner shop inexplicably having no chilled cans of Diet Coke.
6. Despite knowing full-well that symptom Googling is always A Bad Idea, every twitch and twinge has you frantically tapping in ‘am I in labour??!!’ even though the culprit is most likely that Double Cheeseburger you had for pre-dinner.
7. Pre-lunch and pre-dinner are acceptable and necessary for survival. Fruit and vegetables should feature in neither.
8. Every piece of ‘friendly advice’ you receive from here on out will make you irrationally angry because absolutely no one understands what you’re going through, even if they do have five kids.
9. You miss work. Honestly.
10. Even though you’re lugging around what feels like a beachball filled with wet sand, even though your intestines are squashed up somewhere near your lungs and even though you can’t make it through The One Show without falling asleep, you know there’s not long to go now… and actually, that’s quite scary. Maybe this baby could stay in a bit longer after all?